session five: letter to a daughter at thirteen
by Elizabeth DeBarros
Please welcome friend and sister in Christ, Melissa Jackson, blogger at Breath of Life and Out of the Ordinary, and guest contributor for today’s session on Letter to a Daughter at Thirteen. Melissa is a working mother living a quiet and simple life in Virginia with her husband and teenage daughter. She enjoys reading, writing, coffee, football, and bonfires. She ministers in her local church as a choir member and deacon’s wife. She has a passion for discipling teenage girls, especially her own.
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“I’ve spent so much of my life stitching together the answers to the hard questions that it’s natural for me to want to hand them down like a glove, one that will fit neatly onto an outstretched little clone hand. I try sometimes. But that glove won’t fit.”
-Barbara Kingsolver
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Somehow, Barbara Kingsolver has crept into the innermost recesses of my mind, finding the very thoughts that I’ve never wanted to face. I couldn’t believe they were real. Yet the words find me and lay my soul bare. I have tried to make my daughter into the me I always hoped to be.
Letter to a Daughter at Thirteen is part commendation and part confession. Commendation for the young woman Kingsolver’s daughter is becoming; confession of Kingsolver’s own past failings as a teenage girl. Its poignancy and honesty unravel the hem of the neatly sewn life I’ve stitched for myself, forcing me to remember the torment that followed me during my teens and early twenties.
She writes, “It took me years to get over being flattered and flattened by any kind of male approval.” Oh, how my poor heart knows this truth! It is the one thing I want most to protect my 13-year old daughter from, the lonely ache of not feeling good enough, beautiful enough to be loved. Kingsolver believes her daughter is much stronger than she. I could say the same. Yet sometimes it finds me, the nagging doubt that my girl feigns her confidence just as I did. Then I see it — the one shining difference between me and my girl at the rocky age of thirteen. Jesus.
The wonder of it catches my breath. The grace that found my soul, starving for attention and sick with sin, called me unto Himself. All these years later, I’m still undone. As grateful as I am that He called me in my late twenties, I am incredibly thankful that He called my girl before she started walking that same filthy dead-end path I walked during my teen years. I know her confidence is not found on any earthly accomplishment or accolade she may garner; that it is far more complete than any self-confidence she may muster; and that it has a great reward, all because it is based on Christ.
A BIBLICAL LENS:
Kingsolver admits that what “saved” her from her unhealthy self-image and dependence on male attention was reading books by Betty Friedan, Germaine Greer, and other feminists. As a young adult in 1973, she fell victim to the feminist movement’s inculcation of our culture. She compares reading these authors as a “soul-shattering revelation” akin to a religious salvation. As I read, I couldn’t help but think, there but for the grace of God go I.
Friedan called women to “trust no other authority than our own personal truth.” (“It Changed My Life: Writings on the Women’s Movement”.) Greer once said: “Womanpower means the self-determination of women, and that means that all the baggage of paternalistic society will have to be thrown overboard.”
The fallacy of the feminist argument is that it denies the basic truth we cannot ignore: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” In pointing to male oppression as the source of blame, feminists deny that sin has caused the problems between the sexes. By overlooking their own sin, feminists have elevated women to god-like status. They believe we have the right to question everything and the power to change anything. They either do not realize or do not care that this right and this power is reserved only for God.
“Woe to him who strives with him who formed him,
a pot among earthen pots!
Does the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’
or ‘Your work has no handles’?
Woe to him who says to a father, ‘What are you begetting?’
or to a woman, ‘With what are you in labor?’”
Thus says the Lord,
the Holy One of Israel, and the one who formed him:
“Ask me of things to come;
will you command me concerning my children and the work of my hands?
I made the earth
and created man on it;
it was my hands that stretched out the heavens,
and I commanded all their host.”
(Isaiah 45:9-12, ESV)
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My own girl will celebrate her 14th birthday this weekend. If I were to write her a letter, I’d say:
You are more beautiful, more loving, more compassionate, and more considerate than I could ever hope to be. You are smart, funny, and fun to be around. On days when you find these things hard to believe, remember that they are true — not because of you, but because of God. In His grace, He created you to be the perfect you, for His pleasure and His delight. Don’t ever ask why. Just trust Him. Trust Him.
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Next Thursday: Letter to My Mother
-Please share comments, quotes, Scriptures, or views below-
Wonderful post, thank you for sharing, I can so relate to your teenage years, Melissa. A few weeks ago a blog challenged readers to write a letter to your teenage self. Here is mine:
http://poemsbymartha.blogspot.com/
I am late to the game in reading these, I apologize, but this one grabbed my heartstrings, Melissa. I had a similar experience and unfortunately I was not saved until my thirties. I had a few more years available to me for sinning and I used them looking for some sort of love and acceptance. I read some of the same books as Kingsolver and I really embraced the feminist mindset as a young woman. I remember Helen Gurley Brown and the book “Sex and the Single Girl”, also the founder of the trashy magazine “Cosmopolitan”. I found her book on the coffee table of a woman I babysat for. She took the 1960′s “I am woman hear me roar” mantra and flipped it upside down, and turned women from “mouseburgers” (her phrase) into sex driven hoochies with good jobs. It really disgusted me and I realized what a mixed up world so many women live in. It was such confusion. Should I try to be a tough, self absorbed feminist or a man pleasing sexpot? I remember the world through the eyes of an unsaved young woman as a scary, confusing place. I lived many years later looking for happiness and love – what wasted time. For a long time, I too compared myself to those women, always falling short of the female ideal these misleading, often evil books and magazines spoke of.
I think so many people can relate to what you have written here. My fears for my own niece can easily overtake me but I see her reading her Bible or interacting with other girls her age and I see the same difference that you do, Jesus Christ. It’s such a blessing, one that I often overlook in my own life and hers. I have a hard time even finding words to express my gratitude. We have been set free from such bondage and I am so thankful that it’s something we are blessed enough to witness in young girls.
I recently watched a television program about little girls and sex trafficking. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever seen, it ripped my heart out and frustrated me. I realized on a much greater level what a twisted and sick world this is for a young girl without Christ and that Satan loves nothing more than the bondage of female insecurity and confusion, which often lead to promiscuity and worse. So many marginalized women in this world still suffer from violent oppression, often sexual. And even though changes have been made, as Christians we have the only real answer to any of it.
It’s even more evident to me as I get older that Christ overcomes it all. No matter the internal struggle or how horrific the situation, He really did come to set the captives free. I, for one, am very thankful to have read this today. Thank you for the reminder of how important it is that we share the real freedom found in living for Christ and the real hope of eternal security found only in Him. This helps me to realize the part I need to play in the lives of young women around me, and the urgency of spreading the Gospel.
Thank you, sister, God’s blessings to you raise your beautiful daughter.
T, thanks for your encouragement. It is SO hard to raise a girl these days (I can’t speak for boys, since I have no experience in that arena). Thankfully, as you said,
“It’s even more evident to me as I get older that Christ overcomes it all. No matter the internal struggle or how horrific the situation, He really did come to set the captives free.”
Yes, and AMEN!
Melissa,
Thank you for writing such a beautiful post, and for addressing the heart of the matter in a concise and truthful way: We are sinners and only when we run into God’s grace we find hope for ourselves and for the task we daily face of raising our children.
As I read this essay I kept thinking where in the world would I be if it were not for God’s grace! My childhood was different that hers. I usually thought too highly of myself… and I am so grateful that God in his great mercy broke me into pieces. Now, I have two girls to raise (17 and 8) and yes, I am depending on God’s grace to parent them – not driven by my own fears, but by the fear of the Lord.
E, thanks for hosting this series. You are a blessing to us, sister!
You are quite welcome, Becky! I owe it all to you:)
Melissa, you’ve written so beautifully here, thank you so much! A great summary of the fallacy of the feminist movement. I also loved how you highlight the difference between you and your daughter at the age of 13 as being Jesus, and say, “The wonder of it catches my breath.” Praise God! I pray you both have a wonderful weekend as she celebrates her 14th birthday.
Teresa, I just wanted to say to you too….I really appreciate you sharing your story, and I praise God for the work He has done in you. You said: “So many marginalized women in this world still suffer from violent oppression, often sexual.” My heart has been ripped to pieces this last week as I have witnessed the reality of this in the life of my own dear sister, and the abject failure of the “system” to provide her with any protection or justice. Melissa wants to protect her daughter from “the lonely ache of not feeling good enough, beautiful enough to be loved”. I feel the same for my sister. As Teresa said, there is only one answer: “Christ overcomes it all.” Yes. Yes, He does.
Excellent commentary Melissa…The first thought that struck me in this essay is how ironic it is that Kingsolver found her “meaning” in feminism but her greatest joy is in being a mother…:-)
These particular passages stood out to me:
“It frightens me to look back on that reckless period of my life, but I also understand it perfectly. I’d been well under control up to that point, but I had no practice in self control.”
I failed miserably as a parent early on in wanting to control everything my kids were exposed to and involved in. I missed the boat in realizing that our kids need to be taught self government and love of the laws of God for themselves, not fear of reprisal from parents.
Along the same point,
“The world has changed, and even if it hasn’t (drinking, drugs and pregnancy are still at the top of the immediate- worry agenda), the answers will work for you only when you’ve stitched them together yourself.”
Obviously, Kingsolver’s answer to this dilemma and ours as Christians are quite different, as we want our children to stay away from these things out of love and reverence for God and not self-preservation or feminist ideologies.
I had a pretty chaotic childhood but God saved me at the age of 5. While I was obviously sinful and made LOTS of wrong decisions, I am grateful that God protected me in so many ways.
Wow! It seems that today God wants to minister into my life. No doubt, God’s grace is sufficient and enough. Without Him, we couldn’t understand how wide and how deep is His love for us. We would just survive. With Him, we have life, an abundant life to share with our generations. Thanks!
Melissa,
Thank you again for saying yes to writing for this discussion and putting your heart out there by choosing this particular essay. And it helped that you just so happened to have a thirteen-year-old daughter!
You are the voice of so many Christian mothers who are raising daughters in a postmodern world, who want them to grow up straight and strong, but are all too aware of the temptations and pitfalls that attend with living in this sin-saturated culture. As Becky said, “I am depending on God’s grace to parent them – not driven by my own fears, but by the fear of the Lord.”
For me, a mother of only boys (17 and 11), I live with my heart in my hands, and I only know all is well when I offer it up to God. Mothering is no part-time job. It is a constant vigilance, and the cultivation of a godly heart (mine and theirs) takes years. I’m so glad for the time.
I love how you ended the post with a letter to your daughter. It wasn’t dramatic. It wasn’t full of apology. It was you giving her a picture of herself, showing her the loving reflection of Jesus. There’s no better prayer.
-E